'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and
you know that that means,
time to get drunk with people you
haven't seen since your teens...
Happy Day Before Thanksgiving! Or, as
it's now more commonly called, “Dammit, I have to awkwardly drink
with people I haven't seen in five years” Day. Actually the
technical term for tonight is “Black Wednesday” and it has become
one of the nation's biggest partying nights.
Black Wednesday isn't all fun and
drunken games. It comes with it's fair share of problems, namely: “how the hell do I associate with all of these people?”
First off,
don't worry. Odds are you're going to have the same conversation with
about fifteen different people until you get drunk enough to no
longer care.
It may be worth while to
prepare yourself in case of emergency. In order to do that you need
to know what to expect. We here at Three if by Strike take your
sanity very seriously and consequently have taken the initiative to
create a list of the five people you're going to meet tonight and how
to deal with them.
1. The Townie
The townie's
natural habitat extends just as far as the boundaries of the town you
grew up in. A “trip” for the townie is going to the next town
over to watch a high school football game, all the while aggressively
shouting about how they could have thrown five touchdowns by now.
Think Uncle Rico, but in real life. You don't really care, but you
gotta admit, they're kind of a big deal around town. This person is
fairly easy to deal with. Just talk about their glory days, they'll
do the rest. “No dude, I don't remember that time that you scored
15 points in a high school basketball game in the state of Maine.
That sounds very challenging, please tell me more about your athletic
prowess.”
2. The Pseudo-intellectual
So
they went to college and read a book by Freud, Foucault, Marx or some
combination of the three... that's it. Point is that they now think
they're smarter than everyone else in the room and waste no time
making you aware of that. They'll probably drop the words
“proletariat” or “discourse” within the first two minutes of
the conversation as they casually tuck their alpaca hair scarf over
their shoulder. They may be annoying but hey, they paid attention in
class and their GPA probably shows it. The key to dealing with this
person is just keeping your mouth shut. They'll rattle off everything
they think they know in a few minutes and like an crying baby they'll
tucker themselves out. Be wary, they may try to regain their strength
with a steady diet of craft bears and house wine.
3. The Social Justice Advocate
Picture has nothing to do with that I'm talking about but this little guy is adorable
This person has always been conscientious but in college they got
dreadlocks and one time they smoked a joint with a guy who had a Bob
Marley poster on his wall. Now their wardrobe is comprised solely of
Che Guevara memorabilia (although they are waiting on an Edward
Snowden shirt they just ordered.) If you have a beer in your hand
they'll tell you that it's manufactured by child labor. When you tell
them it's made in Vermont they will tell you it's made by child labor
in Vermont. (Sorry, but no matter what you do you're an enabling
capitalistic asshole). There are two ways you can deal with this
person. Your best bet is to pair them up with the Pseudo-intellectual
as they will talk about nothing of substance for the next three
hours. If this isn't possible just enjoy the ride. “Oh no way! You
work at a non-profit, organic, sloth farm that promotes
sustainability in rural Wyoming, you're making a difference in the
world!”
4. The Gordon Gecko wannabe
They've moved into the financial district of some major city and are
now a junior member at some firm, insurance company or bank. This
person is easily visually recognized by the suit they wore to that
dive bar you're at or the fact that they easily have more grease in
their hair than... well than John Travolta in Grease.
Besides looking like Chrispin Glover in Charlie's
Angels, their hobbies
include reading the “Wall Street Journal” business section,
writing cover letters and resumes or wearing suits to cheap bars in
an attempt to pick up women (Hey, they're wearing a suit now!) The
best way to deal with this person is first to accept that they are
likely going to be making more money than you. If they take a five
minute break from pursuing that girl who was way out of their league
in high school to talk to you just ask them for their business card.
Good work, you've now both complemented them and shut them up in one
fell swoop! Also, if they make it big you can now call them and beg
for money.
5.
Animal House
This
person is still stuck reliving the glory days in college. They
probably flew under the radar in high school and are now back with a
vengeance after waking up in a pile of their own vomit a few times
during the past five years. This person can be seen wearing an
undersized fraternity or sorority t-shirt and, as mentioned before,
probably throwing up somewhere. They'll be fun until they've had
their fifth Bud Light in the past twenty minutes and try to take their shirt
off. We're at a small local bar, not an Avicii concert, keep it
together.
They're going to try to relive their glory days to you
plain and simple. One night they had twelve beers and washed it all
down with a whole handle of whipped cream Smirnoff and somehow lived
to share their tale. “No way man, no one else partied in college at
all. I'd love to hear more made up stories about how cool you are!”
Now
that you're prepared for tonight get out there and have fun. And
remember: enjoy it, you only see these people once a year so if you
make a fool of yourself who cares. Get into the spirit of Black
Wednesday and recuperate tomorrow with ample helpings of turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing. If you need some advice be sure to
check out Span's post on the Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods!
