Friday, February 7, 2014

Do You Feel Lucky Punk?

You do if Clint Eastwood happens to be around. This past Wednesday the man, who occasionally talks to chairs and has been repeatedly accused of "monopolizing the world's masculinity" by such notable figures as Chuck Norris and Steven Segal, was faced with one of the most menacing foes he's ever had to glower at... CHEESE.

Far more dangerous than a band of marauding bandits.
That's right. At a volunteer party for the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, Eastwood noticed tournament director Steve John having trouble downing a piece of processed dairy. John claimed, "A piece of cheese went in my mouth, and suddenly I couldn't breathe." Prompting the more important question of how the renegade Gorgonzola managed to gain access to John's mouth in the first place. Apparently cheese gets aggressive when dealing with people who have a first name for a last name.

Regardless, Eastwood, bad ass that he is, quickly sprang into action, screaming "GET OFF MY LAWN" and charging the wayward pasteurized milk with a loaded M1 Garand. The normally confident Camembert was reduced to a quivering mass of Provolone and swiftly burst forth from John's clogged airway. Never one to back down, Eastwood pulled out his six shooter, loosing a tantalizing, "Go ahead, make my day!" before swiftly making the ill-fated cheese Swiss.

You would have gotten out of there too.
Actually the real story isn't quite as dramatic, but it's close. Upon seeing John, Eastwood unleashed a line that needs to be in his next flick, proclaiming, "I looked in his eyes and saw that look of panic people have when they see their life passing before their eyes." Never one to shy away from excitement the 83 year-old Eastwood lifted John off the ground and proceeded to dislodge the cheese using the Heimlich maneuver.

This is just more proof that Clint Eastwood remains one of the most bad-ass people to ever walk the face of the earth. At a point in life when most are content to indulge in shuffleboard and tapioca pudding Eastwood is indulging in lifting 205 pound men and (most likely) consuming raw steaks. 

While Arnold Schwarzenegger  was busy putting on a wig and short shorts for a Bud Light commercial, Eastwood managed to save John's life, single-handedly  prepared Sochi for the Winter Olympics and turn his glower into a form of renewable energy, thus solving climate change and making the nation energy independent simultaneously. 

Pregnant women should not make eye contact with Eastwood.
When asked to comment on his day Eastwood merely growled, "It's all Gouda" before adjusting his poncho and hat and riding out of town on horseback, leaving nothing but disfigured remnants of cheese strewn about Pebble Beach.

Harrison Ford could not be reached for comment.

No comments:

Post a Comment