Thursday, January 30, 2014

This Just In: Dave "El Presidente" Portnoy is Still an Asshole

Behold, the common asshole in his natural environment.
Dave "El Presidente" Portnoy, owner and founder of the inexplicably popular cesspool (I mean website) that is Barstool Sports, has once again felt the need to reinforce his status as a 40-year-old man who thinks he is a 19 year old bro. (In case you were wondering, no, not the entertaining Barney Stinson bro, but the obnoxious bro who wore three polos at once, chugged a liter of SoCo and threw up on your couch while making his fifth attempt to try to pick up a girl... unsuccessfully)

Like in martial arts, a bro's status is marked by the colors of their polo's
This time Portnoy decided to indulge his infatuation with objectifying and belittling people by attacking Salisbury resident Sean Mitchell who was simply watching the Bruins throttle the Florida Panthers 6-2 on Tuesday night. Mitchell, who was diagnosed with cerebral palsey at birth, was sitting with his father behind the B's bench.

Mitchell, was seen eating a hot dog without a bun when one of NESN's cameras took a shot of the B's bench. Being the bigoted, homophobic piece of work that he is, Portnoy wrote an article calling Mitchell "a savage," a comment conveying obvious sexual innuendos.

Sue Mitchell, Sean's mother, saw the article and, understandably, felt the need to call Portnoy out for his comments. 

“Sean has problems with muscular control," she said. "He loves to eat hot dogs and have refreshments. He can’t eat a hot dog in a bun. It’s easier for him to take a hot dog out and eat it that way.”

Portnoy removed the article and issued the following response, "Obviously I'm not in the business of making fun of people with disabilities. He looked like a normal person. Once I found out, I took it down. Most people who read us kind of get that stuff like this can happen. The intent wasn't to make fun of him. I just thought it was a funny to eat a hotdog without a bun."

I don't even know where to begin with this one. Portnoy, this is all for you.

Firstly, you think, "he looked like a normal person" Oh... MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS NORMAL. Mitchell graduated from Triton High School in 2012 after running four years of cross country and indoor and outdoor track. The kid was a three sport athlete and he loves the Bruins and Pats. What's not "normal" about that?

Mitchell competed in a total of 12 athletic seasons during is time at Triton
My mom, who is the strongest woman I've ever known, has spent the last 5 years coping with disabilities. Does that make her abnormal? Does that make her different? People are not defined by disabilities. Confronting hardship head on does not make you "abnormal". Overcoming adversity makes you strong, it makes you brave. I admire my mother more than I can express, just like I admire Sean Mitchell. When I look at you El Pres, all I feel is general disgust.

Secondly, good job - a penis joke. Did you think of that all by yourself?  It's funny because hot dogs are penis shaped, right? I'm sure you're the first one to ever make that joke. That's quality journalism right there.

Even if you didn't realize that Mitchell was, how did you so eloquently put it, "normal?" YOU WERE STILL RIDICULING THE HOMOSEXUAL COMMUNITY, YOU DUMBASS.

You aren't "in the business of making fun of people with disabilities" but it's perfectly acceptable to make negative innuendos to a male giving a blow job and make fun of sexual orientations. So do you describe all gay men as "savages" or was that a one time thing? Maybe you were too busy objectifying women to notice, but seventeen states have now legalized same-sex marriage. I'm sorry if in your moronic mind you haven't come to terms with this but it's not funny, man. The only one laughing right now is you, and frankly it's kind of sad.

Finally, am I the only one whose shocked that its taken this long for people to realize what a cretin you are?

For running a site-titled Barstool SPORTS, you know less than zero percent about sports. My sister has told me on multiple occasions that she isn't into sports and doesn't really get them, but I'm fairly confident if the two of you were to talk sports she would rip you apart like a Velociraptor.

She'll cut you here...
It's gotten to the point where you've stopped talking about sports to avoid showing how little you actually know. I just scrolled through five or six pages of articles and found nothing that remotely seeks to talk, analyze or even comment on sports (although there were plenty of "guess that ass"es). In case you weren't aware, there's this thing called the Super Bowl this weekend, some people may be slightly curious about that. You don't run a sports website, you run a softcore porn site where you post pictures of half naked 21-year-old college girls because you know that 18-year-old guys (and creepy 40-year-olds like yourself) will check it out. Which brings me to my next point...

You're blatantly misogynistic. Half of the posts that you write are titled one of the following, "Guess That Ass", "Wake Up With..." or "Smokeshow of the Day." Look man, you like girls, we get it. Guess what, I do too, as do a lot of other guys. But I also realize that she's more than a pair of boobs and an ass. If you honestly view women the way you write about them I pity you and doubt your capacity to establish anything remotely resembling a healthy relationship. This may be why...

You're incredibly judgmental and of others. I don't know what personal issues you're trying to cope with that cause you to solely look to pick out the flaws in others, but you're indulging in some serious compensation for something. You take pleasure from critiquing women for not being attractive enough or being somehow flawed. You mock people for being overweight or unattractive. You ridicule anyone who leads a lifestyle you aren't familiar with or don't understand.

When talking about Mitchell you claimed, "The intent wasn't to make fun of him." Uh... yes, yes it was because THAT'S WHAT YOUR ENTIRE MEANINGLESS CAREER HAS BEEN BASED OFF OF. All you do is sit on your high horse pointing out flaws or mistakes in others while garnering laughs from people as meaningless as yourself. You need someone new to make fun of? Here's one for you, he's a forty year old man who acts like a high school sophomore making fun of the kid with glasses. Next time you try to judge or critique someone why don't you take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

I pity you. You work your ass off trying to make this media empire you've built up stand, but what do you get out of it? What have you created of substance? You post pictures of smut that could get a hit no matter where they were posted. You focus specifically on topics that don't require you to write well, do any research or think about problems comprehensively. Your character, articles and website are trivial and insignificant. You generate laughs from immature simple-minded cretins like yourself who are so self-obsessed and narcissistic that they fail to comprehend their own ignorance.

 In a lot of ways your website, your life's accomplishments are representative of what's wrong with society. Your simplicity, while it may grant you short term success, conveys nothing of value. You will never teach, you will never create, you will never build, you will never change things for the better. All you do is deconstruct, destroy, and break down. You take the easy way out.

I hope you prove me wrong. I hope you try to figure things out because I'm sorry, but the writing is on the wall. The people reading your articles have gone from agreeing with you to criticizing you. They don't see you as something legitimate, but as a mildly entertaining sideshow that they'll soon lose interest in.

Notice that I just wrote an entire article on you and I didn't use vulgar language. Notice that not once did I stoop to your level. Look, you're smart, I'll be the first to admit that. You know your audience and you give them a product. The only thing I'm calling into question are your choices and the character they create. It is kind of easy though. It's easy because you have made a choice to be an asshole.


  1. Thank you! After the Red Sox parade he posted about a student of mine who was able to ride on the duck boats. He is a 7th grader with some significant special needs, clearly not the person an adult should ever pass judgement on.

  2. I LOVE THIS. Fuck this douche lord - sorry excuse for a human being!

  3. This is perfection. Sean is a great kid and everyone has a story - it's not right to write about ANYONE like this.

  4. Thank goodness we have the likes of you to police the internet and put lowlifes like this down! Where would we be without your highbrow blogs that completely misconstrues the original content! I agree with everything you said about sean and people with disabilities they are beyond inspiring and I couldnt walk a mile in their shoes. That being said, to go as far and call everyone who visits his website self-obsessed, narcisitic and blinded by their own ignorance puts you in a class right with the picture of Portnoy you so beautifully painted. Did you even see the original post? It was on the internet for all of an hour. Did you read about how he called the father to apologize? How in the world are you even correlating the word savage with the gay community? The post plain and simple was about how eating a hot dog without a bun at a sporting event makes you do a double take, maybe even get a chuckle. It has nothing to do with making fun of people with disabilities or as you somehow think making gay jokes. Lets forget the 135k he raised for a victim of the Boston bombings, this dude is subhuman we should all spew venom in his direction! After all an eye for eye always results in better vision.....or.....something like that.

  5. i read Portnoy's pathetic response to the whole situation before i read this post. he's sorry for what he did, that's well and great, he took the post down as he shouldve he handled the situation correctly. but he shouldnt have even got himself in the situation to begin with. a picture of a kid eating a hot dog is not news, but the people who read it perceive it that way because theyre just as lowbrow as the writing. all his so-called "apology" does is attempt to make himself feel better. oh he called the dad, which he shouldve, he doesn't need to make a show of it. did he talk to the kid? did he apologize to the kid for thinking he was "normal"? no.

    you sarcasm makes me smile by the way.

  6. at least he has a successful blog ...

  7. ^^^ That was funny... To quote the great blogger El Pres "I just spit out my coffee and wasn't even drinking any".

  8. All he said was look at this dude raw-dogging this hot-dog at the B's right now. #bunless He didn't know the man had CP. You're only telling one side of the story to further smear his name. He reached out to the man's parents and apologized and the dad was totally understanding not delusional as you appear to be. EL Pres is a douche and the comment section of that site is all-the-way racist but this was one of the more innocuous comments he's made. This was a shameless ruse by whoever authors this thing to get page views.