Holy $%@&, He Missed It!

The only thing Philipp Hoffmann of 2. Bundesliga's Kaiserslautern made was the worst miss of all time. Standing just about two yards from the goal, the ball took an unlucky bounce, went off Hoffmann's foot and over the crossbar.

For the record, a soccer goal is 24 feet wide and eight feet tall.Over the course of six feet, the ball rose over eight and a half, even clearing the five-inch crossbar. And just from estimating, it looks like Hoffmann easily had seven feet of cushion to his right, meaning roughly 17 feet to "miss" to his left and the ball still would've rolled in.

He could have laid down and let the ball bounce off the side of his face and roll in. He could've trapped the ball between his legs and hopped like a kangaroo across the goal line. Literally anything other than what he did would've put the ball in the goal.

Fortunately, Kaiserslautern came out with a 1-0 victory, taking the sting out of this harrowing attempt.

Step One: Remove iPhone From Box, Drop Directly on Ground

This guy in Perth, Australia, the world's first loser to sit in line for days to get his mitts on the new iPhone 6, didn't actually get those mitts on the new hardware before the phone catapulted from its packaging to the cold, hard ground.

The assumed "Angry Birds" enthusiast casually bent down and collected his approximately $500 with a nervous smile, then took a ridiculous picture with the news anchor for no reason at all.

Hope those 15 seconds of fame were worth it. And its a good thing he was surrounded by other knuckleheads waiting in line for their turn to mishandle their version of the Holy Grail, because that collective cry of anguish from the crowd as if this character just missed a putt on the 18th green at Augusta is priceless.

Soccer Player Disappears During Goal Celebration

Cameroonian forward Joel scored two goals in a 3-1 win for Coritiba over Sao Paolo in Brazil's Serie A on Wednesday. For his second goal, he chose to celebrate by throwing himself down a giant hole in the ground.

The stadium features stairs that lead down to the dressing rooms below the field, which are placed just beyond the advertisements behind the goal line. Generally the best way to deal with something that a person could fall into is by covering it with a giant flag, right? Yeah, well that's what happened anyway.

As Joel went to leap over the wall, security personnel thought about saying something - one guy even raised his hands - but it was too late.

Somehow Joel isn't dead, and for his miraculous exit from the depths of the stadium, he received a yellow card for excessive celebration.

Why Was Joe West Only Suspended One Game?

The Vine above is everything you need to know about this incident wrapped up in seven seconds.

Let's start off with a quiz. Name as many Major League umpires as you can in 10 seconds. Go.

I managed to come up with Angel Hernandez, C.B. Bucknor, Dan Bellino, Jim Joyce, and Joe West. Why did those names come to mind so quick? Because they're all terrible.

Now, Joyce has been exonerated since he ruined Armando Galarraga's perfect game, but he is still a name that sticks out. When an umpire can get through a three-game series without most people knowing his name, not only has he done his job, but he has done it damn well. Umpires are responsible for facilitating the game, not dictating it.

As for those other guys... Hernandez nearly got a standing ovation during a game...after he had been hit by a line drive. Bucknor doesn't know how an out should be recorded and makes third strike calls on strike two. Bellino once threw out Adrian Beltre for joking around with his former teammate Felix Hernandez.

But let's focus on West for a minute. Sunday afternoon, the Phillies were enjoying a three-run lead going into the ninth inning when they brought in closer Jonathan Papelbon. Pap isn't the most well-liked guy in Philadelphia, never mind throughout baseball, so when you give up four runs in front of the hometown crowd and go on to lose the game, the walk back to the dugout isn't going to be a stroll in the park. So because Papelbon is an idiot, he decided to forgo even a sarcastic hat tip and just go straight to the crotch grab. His explanation is gold, though.

"This is baseball. I had to make an adjustment and I did it, and by no means am I directing anything at any fans. When I'm out there and in the moment, the fans are irrelevant to me. I don't see them, I don't hear them. To me, this is pretty stupid to be totally honest with you."

Not sure if it helps that he called the fans irrelevant...

Papelbon was suspended seven games, which was a combination of the ridiculous gesture and getting a little too close to West during the ensuing argument. We've seen some players in the past make some questionable contact with umpires, but why is there such a gap between penalties for the player and the umpire?

West received just a one-game suspension after he grabbed Papelbon by the jersey and brushed him off to the side when he decided he didn't want to hear what the already-ejected hot head had to say. Papelbon deserves the seven games, there is no doubt about it, but why is it that West can grab a player and get off virtually scot-free?

Cowboy Joe has had a history of hogging the spotlight, over the years, and has repeatedly been voted one of the worst umpires by MLB players. His actions Sunday can just be tacked on to the ever-expanding list of reasons why umpires need to be held more accountable for their actions. If umpires can't be ejected, why are they allowed to get in the faces of players and even initiate the arguments?

The league is giving them free range to handle the situations as they see fit, and if grabbing a player's jersey means the umpire "handled himself appropriately," as MLB VP Joe Torre phrased it, then the problem is only going to get worse.  Baseball needs to start analyzing the incidents that lead to these heated exchanges, identify who could be considered at fault, and hand out equal punishments, regardless of position within the game.

The Making of Bryan Cranston's One-Man MLB Postseason Show

If you like any combination of baseball, Bryan Cranston, Bugs Bunny, Pedro Martinez and the organ player from the Polo Grounds, then just sit back and enjoy.

The Hot 100: Billboard's 100th Best Song of the Week

Been a while since we've had a 100th best song on the blog, but the weekly mainstay is back.

Big & Rich have cracked the chart in their first week, squeaking in as Billboard's "Mr. Irrelevant." This marks the second country song in the post's short history, a trend which I'd like to see more of. In the past, we have had the severe misfortune of having to show you Justin Bieber and Chris Daughtry, but we're starting this new streak on the right foot.

I don't know why the video is just lyrics with weird black, white and blue accented pictures, just enjoy it.

September, Week 3:
Artist: Big & Rich
Song: Look At You
Peak: 100 (debut)

My rating:

Arkansas State Player Plays Dead, Wakes Up, Gets Flattened

What a move.

The Arkansas State football program has made three consecutive Bowl games - winning the last two - so they clearly know what they're doing, but I'm not exactly sure where this one fits into the playbook. They've had a tough couple of weeks after their season-opening win versus Montana State, losing back-to-back big time match-ups against Tennessee and Miami.

Already down a couple scores in the second, the Red Wolves decided to take the risk on 4th-and-5 and went with a fake punt pass. They were just over midfield and didn't exactly catch anyone by surprise by putting a man in motion. The surprise did come, however, when one of the Wolves receivers went rigor mortis on everyone and tipped over backwards.

To no one's surprise, the ball was picked off and during the return, the would-be Arkansas State receiver rose from the dead only to get buried again.

Elbert "Ickey" Woods Just Loves Celebrating Cold Cuts

Everyone knows GEICO commercials are pretty low on the totem pole.  Offhand, I'd say Progressive commercials are worse, but other than that, its tough to name any other ad campaigns that could be grouped in with these two.

GEICO peeked its head out of the basement with the "Hump Day" commercial, but then quickly shut the door on itself with those two goons playing the guitar and mandolin at the end.  With their latest commercial featuring Elbert "Ickey" Woods, they may have swung the door back open.

First few times I watched the commercial, all I knew is that this big dude in the football jersey was charged up for some deli meats. Upon further review, Ickey Woods is a retired fullback who played four seasons for the Cincinnati Bengals. He was an All-Pro in 1988 when the Bengals won the AFC Championship but lost to the San Francisco 49ers 20-16 in Super Bowl XXIII. Oh, and he was a giant of a man in football pads who could break it down.

His famous dance, The Ickey Shuffle, was used as a touchdown celebration (he had 27 opportunities for the Shuffle in his career), and took the sports world by storm for a brief second.. Okay, probably not even that long, but long enough for Darrell Waltrip to bust out the move after a Daytona 500 victory.

You have to give GEICO points for originality on this one if nothing else. But rest assured, Ickey didn't do this for the money. I'm sure he's doing just fine as the owner, CEO and coach of the Cincinnati Sizzle of the National Women's Football League.

What Happened to Ceremonial First Pitches?

Since the dawn of the game, throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, or "first ball" as it was originally known, has been a mainstay in baseball. President William Howard Taft was the first American president to perform the ritual on Opening Day in 1910, and President Ronald Reagan was the first to throw from the field in 1988 (normally, the throw came in from the President's seat, hence the term "first ball").

Since 1910 our Commanders-in-Chief have been stretching out for the first toss to kick off the new baseball year, but it took until 1993 before President Bill Clinton hit the catcher's glove on the fly from the mound. Over the years there have seen some gems, like the video at the top of President George W. Bush firing a perfect strike after Sept. 11, 2001. That thumbs up move gives me chills every time.

In more recent memory, the chills are a direct result of painful excuses for first tosses by hack celebrities. If you don't know how to properly throw a baseball, then maybe your first attempt at it shouldn't be 60 feet, six inches away from home plate in front of a packed Major League stadium.

Kind of like this...



Bad first pitch ceremonies are plaguing baseball games. ESPN seems to think that 50 Cent's first pitch at a Mets game is the best thing going since sliced bread, and I'm surprised they haven't slapped their new "Instant Awesome" tag on it by now.

No one goes to the game to see someone throw a "funny" first pitch.  Its flat out obnoxious, and I can't figure out why celebrities (is Miss Texas a celebrity?) are lining up to embarrass themselves.  Its not even a good gimmick to get people to the games since the majority of fans either aren't in their seats yet or just don't care who is tossing it out.

Carly Rae Jepsen of "Call Me Maybe" fame threw an atrocious first pitch at Tropicana Field before a Rays game, but nobody batted an eye because Rays fans are idiots who have no idea what baseball is and they just thought that was ball one to the first batter.  Joakim Noah had to take a do-over at a White Sox game.  When will this nonsense end?


As much as I want to hate the video of the girl from "The Ring," throwing out the first pitch at a Japanese baseball game, its gold.  The umpire brings her out, she's pitching to a live batter, then after throwing a ball outside, she just dies real quick.  But you know what, she had solid form, good arc on her eephus, and threw it 50 feet further than everybody I've mentioned in this post except Bush. EVEN CHRISSY TIEGEN GAVE A STRONGER EFFORT, AND SHE WAS HAMMERED.

Instead of reading "Teigen" her number 40 jersey read "Nuggz" because ordering 40 chicken nuggets was her go-to drunk food move.

Bottom line is baseball somehow needs to get the ceremonial first pitch back on the map. Stop parading in these jokers who couldn't hit the ocean if they fell out of a boat. You don't need to light up the radar gun or catch the batter snoozing with a backdoor slider, either, just get me someone who can go out there and play catch.

Bruins-Canadiens Rivalry Renewed Tonight

At this point, this video has probably appeared on Three if by Strike nearly 10 times, but I'm still not tired of it.

The Bruins are set to do battle with the Montreal Canadiens tonight at the TD Garden, the first of two meetings these two rivals will hold in Boston this season. Last time they met in Montreal, the Bruins drew the short straw and lost 2-1.

Boston has scored six goals in each of their last three games.  The Patrice Bergeron line with Brad Marchand and Reilly Smith has combined for an astounding 30 points over the last seven games. Since the new year, the Bruins are 8-3-1. Red hot.

Sit back, enjoy the video and watch the Bruins renew the rivalry tonight against the Habs at 7.

Warren Sapp Says Michael Strahan Should Not be in Hall of Fame, Strahan Calls Sapp Fat

Warren Sapp doesn't think Michael Strahan should be in the Hall of Fame.

Sapp, in his freshman year of Hall status, took up his anti-Strahan stance at Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday.  Why it came up, no one is sure, but Sapp had some strong feelings towards the issue.

"I don't think his resume stacks up.  He only has four straight Pro Bowls and a mythical sack record. When you really measure him up, he comes up short."

The "mythical sack record" refers to Strahan getting to 22.5, a new single-season record, when Brett Favre walked right into Strahan not putting up much of a fight.  Sapp said that there should be an asterisk next to Strahan's record.

Strahan responded by saying there should be a McDonald's next to Sapp's house.

"Because he's fat."

Got 'em...

As we are a blog for the people, we know people love controversy.  At the blog, we feel it's important to take sides in this issue.  And given the evidence, we choose Sapp.

Sure, Strahan's a good dude and does his show with Kelly Ripa and all that, but he played for the Giants, supports Subway and his comeback to Sapp was a fat joke.

Sapp's trying to eat healthy, leave him alone.

Shawn Thornton: Always the Enforcer, Never the Goon

Today’s NHL is a league dominated by speedy, skilled players.  With so much quickness and skill at all positions, especially the forward spot, it is increasingly difficult for managers and coaches to justify the use of a roster spot on a goon.

There is an important distinction to be made between an enforcer and a goon.  A goon is a player who, with their lack of skill, is unable to contribute much to a team other than their fighting ability.  A goon is usually a large, physically imposing player with limited skating ability and even worse puck skills.  An enforcer, however, is a player who cannot only throw hands with the best of them, but can also contribute to the team in other ways.

John Scott, of the Buffalo Sabres, is not only the definition of a goon, but one of the few true goons remaining in the NHL.  At 6’8” and weighing in at 258 lbs, it is clear that Scott has the physically imposing part locked up.  Take a closer look at his career statistics and it becomes clear that Scott has absolutely zero value to his team aside from his fighting ability.  In 194 games over the course of five seasons, he has 343 penalty minutes to compliment a whopping five points (1 G, 4 A) and is -12.

Let Mike Milbury and Keith Jones give you a better idea of the type of player Scott is after his dirty hit on Loui Eriksson, which earned him a seven game suspension.



On the other hand, we have Shawn Thornton.  Now Thornton isn’t a scorer, nor could you really call him a playmaker, but as an enforcer, he is second to none.  You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who wouldn’t agree that Thornton is also the most honorable fighter in the league.  You’ll never see him sucker punch someone or punch a guy when he’s down because that’s not the type of player he is.

While Thornton is easily one of, if not the best fighter in the league, he has the ability to contribute to his team on the score sheet as well.  In his 10 seasons in the NHL, Thornton has 83 points (36 G, 47 A) to go along with his 856 penalty minutes.  Not to mention he also averages about double Scott’s ice time per season.  Check out this penalty shot goal and try to tell me he doesn’t have skill.



An enforcer such as Shawn Thornton brings so much to a team like the Bruins.  He is always ready to answer the bell and never shies away from a fight if that’s what it takes to defend his teammates.  The best part about his play though is that he is far from a liability when he’s on the ice.  The Merlot line, consisting of Thornton, Gregory Campbell and Daniel Paille, is often cited as the best fourth line in the league, which speaks volumes about the Bruins’ depth.

The part many people don’t realize is how Shawn Thornton and other tough guys on the Bruins are able to indirectly elevate the game of their teammates.  Knowing you have so many guys behind you who are more than ready to drop gloves and stick up for you, gives you so much more confidence in your game.  Players are less worried about taking cheap shots because their opponent knows as well as they do that any such act will be answered by the fists of guys like Thornton, Milan Lucic, Adam McQuaid and Gregory Campbell among others.

As the game of hockey evolves, the role of the goon will continue to fade into the past, while fans will continue to appreciate the numerous contributions of enforcers like Shawn Thornton.


BONUS VIDEO:
This is possibly my favorite Thornton moment as he and Mike Felger shut down Vancouver journalist, Tony Gallagher.  It comes after the Vancouver game in which he was jumped by seven Canucks and then, in the most embarrassing moment in NHL history, baited into dropping his gloves by Dale Weise, who proceeded to immediately back down in hopes of drawing a penalty.



Seriously, how can you not like this guy?

Saving You The Trouble of Googling The Best B's-Habs Moments

There are just so many awesome moments from the Boston Bruins and Montreal Canadiens rivalry over the past few years, we just had to post a few more in preparation for the game tonight.

No sense mucking things up with words, just enjoy the videos.





Okay, I wouldn't call Zdeno Chara hit on Max Pacioretty "great" but it has been a huge part of the rivalry, and even led fans to call for a police investigation... Yeah, that happened.



Now, this may not be a list of the "best" moments in the recent rivalry, but if they don't get you fired up, then you clearly don't have a pulse.

Bruins-Canadiens Rivalry Renewed Thursday Night

The Boston Bruins will cross over into the Great White North Thursday night to take on their arch rivals, the Montreal Canadiens.

It will be the first match-up of the year for these two, and for both teams, it is a must-win game.  While the Bruins remain top dog in the Atlantic division, the Habs have gone 8-1-1 over their last 10, and have won three in a row coming into a three-game homestand.  The B's have 38 points on the season with a 18-7-2 record, but the hated Habs are hot on their heels with 37 points from a 17-9-3.

So what can we expect from this game?

Both, to the crowd's delight and coaches' dismay, will look to get their physical games going early, which will inevitably lead to some odd-man rushes, but barring a complete defensive meltdown, don't expect too many goals to get by Carey Price or Tuukka Rask.  The two netminders are third and fourth in the entire league for save percentage (.937, .935) and sixth and fifth in the league for their goals against average (2.00, 1.90) respectively.

Offensively, both teams average under three goals scored per game, Boston with 2.74 and Montreal with 2.69, and are the top two in North America with 1.96 and 2.03 goals allowed per game figures.  Both teams have an .824 winning percentage when scoring first.  So where do these teams differ?

Montreal makes their money is with the play of their specialty units.  When the Habs power play takes the ice, they are scoring nearly a quarter of the time, and their penalty kill has been stalwart with an 86 percent success rate.  They look to the play of their young guns, namely linemates Brendan Gallagher and Alex Galchenyuk who have combined for 15 goals on the season and this weird pumpkin carving contest.

The Bruins sport a plus-20 goal differential and have overcome several injuries that have forced players to miss time like Loui Eriksson, Adam McQuaid and Dennis Seidenberg.  They are just as hot as the Canadiens, going 7-2-1 in their last 10 and winning two straight.

Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell said several times throughout his team's World Series run that there were some games and situations that looked bleak, but his team stuck to their motto and rallying cry of: "find a way."  And that is what the Bruins have done this season.  Through injuries and bad bounces, this team has refused to stay down.  They were trounced by the Detroit Red Wings 6-1, dragged themselves to practice the next day (on Thanksgiving, no less), and two days later led a spirited comeback against the New York Rangers.

They don't rely on one player or one line.  Boston can roll four lines, and get production from the blazing one-timers by Jarome Iginla or the sneaky wristers launched by Shawn Thornton. They struggled early, but have found ways to complete a 60 minute game, and could be deadly if Montreal gets caught on long shifts.

Puck drops at 7:30.  To get your mind right for the game, check out the rivalry game of the century in the video above.  Hard to believe that was almost three years ago.

Shabazz Napier Turns December Top 15 Match-Up Into an Instant Classic

Just let this one sink in.

During the Iron Bowl Saturday night, I was getting rowdy when Auburn was running that missed field goal back, because you just don't see that - especially to end a game that big.  But Monday night, I was banging the table even harder and I'm pretty sure my yell even included a weird voice crack as the result of pure excitement and shock.

The UConn Huskies held a slim lead going into the second half against the Florida Gators in Gampel Pavilion, and the final 20 minutes were a ball fight.  Florida looked like they were trying to slip away, but as time ticked by, UConn slowly chipped away at the lead, keeping the game within one possession for what seemed like ages.

Finally, with 17.7 seconds to go, UConn was inbounding the ball under the Gators basket, with time enough for the last possession of the game.  The rest...well, as you might've guessed, was left up to Shabazz Napier.

And he did not disappoint.

A Week in the Life of Brian Boyle

New York Rangers forward Brian Boyle hasn't had the best week.

Sure, his team hasn't been doing terrible, going 2-2-0 since Nov. 25, but Boyle has just been the league's punching bag lately. Hopefully, for his sake anyway, he can turn it around in Monday's game against the Winnipeg Jets. But before he laces 'em up, let's take a look at the week that was for Brian Boyle.

The former BC Eagle and company took on the Tampa Bay Lighting on Nov. 25, and the Bolts touched them up for 5 unanswered goals, winning 5-0.  Boyle was a minus-1 rating, and it halted a two-game win streak the Blueshirts had going. On Nov. 27, Boyle logged less than 15 minutes of ice time, and didn't win a face off, but this time it was the Rangers who potted five en route to a 5-2 victory over the Florida Panthers...no thanks at all to Boyle.

The next two games were pretty rough for the 6-foot-7 centerman.  His team traveled to Boston to face the Bruins, their longtime conference rivals. Boyle barely logged over 10 minutes of ice time, and got his head punched in by B's captain Zdeno Chara. Not only was the loss in the fight embarrassing, but the Rangers blew a 2-1 lead they held since the first period when Chara ripped a slap shot by Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist to complete his Gordie Howe hat trick in a 3-2 win.

By the way, look how stupid Boyle looks in the video above of that fight.  He's just trying to "fall" over to get away from Z. Well, that's what you get when you're from Hingham and you go on record saying you hate the Bruins "with a passion."

So as if Boyle didn't get his fill of fists, he decided to drop the gloves with Vancouver Canucks alternate captain Kevin Bieksa the very next night.



Needless to say, Boyle did not look great in this one either, pulling his signature flopping move.  Boyle doesn't even get a punch off, instead he just tries to push Bieksa up against the boards. But look how aggressive and cocky he gets once the refs take hold!  What a warrior! And its tough to see, but post-fight Bieksa takes Boyle's lid and boots it down the ice.  The Rangers pulled out the victory in John Tortarella's not-so-triumphant return to Madison Square Garden, but it was in no way influenced by Boyle's five useless shots on goal in his under 13 minutes of play.

So Boyle finishes the week with two pathetic scraps, a minus-1 rating, zero points, but actually a pretty sweet mustache.  But Movember is over and the 'stache is gone.  Will the first week be better for Mr. Boyle?

Probably not.

The Teddy Bear Toss is One of the Sports' Greatest Traditions

Twenty-five thousand stuffed animals.

That's how many rained down on the ice during the Calgary Hitmen's latest home game on Sunday night.  The WHL organization has kept the tradition going for nearly 20 years, and it gives me chills every time.

As the tradition goes, the Hitmen hold one game a year where they ask fans to bring in stuffed animals and teddy bears to be donated to local hospitals and shelters.  When the home team scores their first goal, that's when the fun begins.

The official count this year was 25,921 tossed from the 17,199 in attendance, breaking last year's record.

Coolest part about the tradition?  The next day, the Hitmen players visit the Alberta Children's Hospital to give out the teddy bears.

Knowshon Moreno Can Cry With the Best of Them

Um... What?

Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno was channeling his inner-Ray Lewis after he let the tears flow following our National Anthem.  Watching this clip makes me physically hurt.  How is it possible for that many tears to collect in someone's eye at once? 

Looks like some big crocodile tears to me.

Christian Ehrhoff Scores OT Goal Through Defeseman's Skate

Wow.  Really all you can say here. 

The Buffalo Sabres were down early in this game, but rallied to score twice in the second period, eventually forcing overtime against the Toronto Maple Leafs.  The Sabres and Leafs added another chapter to their wild 2013 rivalry.

But the whole game pales in comparison to what Buffalo blue liner Christian Ehrhoff was able to do just 32 seconds into overtime.  With a waning power play, the Sabres won the face off and the puck squeaked out to Tyler Myers.  Myers held and passed across to Ehrhoff, who drifted into the slot and ripped a low slap shot that found its way to the nylon.  Impressive enough, sure, but watch what happens when the puck leaves Ehrhoff's stick.

Ohhhhh SNAP! And could James Reimer's have left that five-hole any wider open?

The Sabres earn points number 12 and 13 on the season with their sixth win, while the Leafs earn a point to tie the Montreal Canadiens for fourth place in the Atlantic. Montreal and Toronto will square off Saturday night to break the tie, while Buffalo goes into New Jersey to take on the Devils, who are 6-4-0 over their last 10 games.

Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball (Chatroulette Version)

This is whats hot on the internet streets today....

But we need to talk about something: Are that many hot girls always on Chat Roulette? Like, is this a trick?

A brilliant Chat Roulette viral ad? Because I know one thing is for sure. When I get home tonight forget PornHub, YouPorn or RedTube... I'll be getting my fix on Chat Roulette, baby.