The Free Lunch Hierarchy

Everyone loves free lunch during the work week, right?  But does everyone love all types of free lunches equally?  You may think you do, but let's take a look at the Top 5 Free Lunches.

5) Break Room Free Lunch - This is not much of a lunch at all.  This is what happens when you either forget the lunch you usually bring, are too lazy to leave the office or just don't have the money to go out and buy something. You end up rummaging around the break room and the fridge, digging up a can of soda and a stale bagel. You might even find yourself uttering the phrase, "what am I doing with my life?" This my friends, is indeed a free lunch, but very obviously the worst kind of free lunch.

4) Free Lunch Ordered to the Office - Now, I know what you're thinking: "how could this possibly be a bad thing?" Well, boys and girls, while this free lunch seems great, it comes with a lot of questions. What's the policy on seconds? Who do I have to thank? When do I have to thank them? Because I don't want to get beat to the punch, then I'll look like I'm just saying thank you because that guy did it....

And it doesn't end there. You don't want to be the guy who holds up the line or takes too much of one thing, so while you rush through the spread, you completely forget probably the most important part: "Where am I going to sit?" At my desk? Try to find a small pocket of people and awkwardly slide into their conversation? While vastly better than number five, there is too much going on for this lunch to move past number four.

3) Free Lunch with a Client - This lunch covers basically any time you are out to eat with someone you work with, but outside of your office. You might know them, you might not, but either way, lunch has to come second in this scenario. Not a great impression of you or your company if you're stuffing your face with fries and downing Cokes while the guy tries to talk business. On the flip side, its a good time to try to work in some non-work conversation and maybe mix a beer or two in. Because it can go either way, this lunch stays locked at number three.

2) Free Lunch with your Boss - This lunch is easily the most subjective of the bunch.  You could love your boss, or you could always keep a sandwich in your top drawer just in case they walks by around noon.  But lunch with your boss generally means you've made it...at least for that particular day.  Some lunches will be better than others, but if you ask me (which you pretty much are by reading this far), this has to be the second-to-one lunch out there.  The guy who pays you with money is now paying you extra...with food. No brainer.

1) Lunch with a Friend...And They're Paying - Its no surprise that the number one free lunch has nothing at all to do with work, with a very minimal chance of work even being brought up other than to complain about it. Lunch with a friend is a great way to unwind for an hour and almost definitely throw back a couple beers (as opposed to the uncertainty of Free Lunch #3).  The biggest and really only problem with this lunch?  You're paying the next time.

Let's Talk About Turkey...

I just had my eighth turkey sandwich in the past five days and I can't get over how good leftover turkey is during the week after Thanksgiving. Until this weekend I am the Bubba Blue of turkey. Turkey is happiness incarnate. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's turkey kabobs, turkey creole, turkey gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey...

Alright, you get the idea. If you don't agree why don't you go do yourself a quick lap and then NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN because you're lying to yourself and to me. Thank God when the Pilgrims and Native Americans decided to get together for dinner almost 400 years ago someone was smart enough to say "Hey, that thing's neck looks like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly... lets eat it to celebrate out friendship!"

The ultimate irony of turkey is that as much as I love it during the course of this week, I want no part of it at any other time. Turkey is the black sheep of the poultry family. Chicken went out and got a Ph. D. in deliciousness. Duck had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but has turned out fairly well and is steadily employed. TURKEY HAS DONE NOTHING! Turkey spends the year in his parents basement watching reruns of American Gladiators and flipping through two year old "TV Guide" magazines.

Once a year, turkey just shows up at Thanksgiving and hopes for the best. It's downright embarrassing that people had to put a chicken and a duck inside of a turkey to actually make it good. It's dry, bland, has no taste, and puts you to sleep within half an hour, just like a made-for-TV ABC Family movie.

Essentially I've got three days left before I hate turkey again. For the next 72 hours, my life is going to be a blur of grease, cranberry sauce and shame. By Saturday, I'll just dabble in turkey. By Monday, turkey will be like that friend who comes "for the weekend" and ends up staying for 5 days. Dude, I like you, but I need my space.

Finally Wednesday will come around and I'm going to treat my turkey like Walter White's pizza.

Let's Chat About Christmas Cookies: The Top 5

It's that time of year, ladies and gents. Christmas cookie season. So before you start expanding your waistline on pinwheels and lemon squares, let's review the Top 5 Christmas Cookies.

5: Sugar Cookies: They need to be shaped like something seasonal and have frosting or they are disqualified.

4: These Things: Yup, your store-bought frosted cookie. So damn good. Even saw them shaped as Christmas trees once. I can furiously take down a container of these things faster than.... (I would really love to place a Paul Walker line here but Jon will fire me if I do).

3: I Guess The Official Name For This Is A "Peanut Butter Blossom": I call it a nipple cookie... I like nipples. That is all.

2: Hello Dolly's: Amateur hour is over. These things are for real. Chocolate chips, coconut, graham crackers. Deadly trio.

1: Peanut Butter Balls: My Aunt Karen can make a peanut butter ball like nobody's business. If you're eating an Oreo ball, you're wrong.  And if your peanut butter ball is crunchy, you're wrong. Chocolate, peanut butter, sugar and nothing more. Pure perfection.

The Official 'Thanksgiving Food' Top 5

5. Cranberry Sauce : What the fuck is it? It's only eaten once a year. I'll dabble...

4. Turkey : Cue the outrage! Turkey is not that good. Needs to be smothered in gravy to enjoy it. I am on      #TeamDarkMeat, though (no homo)

3. Mashed Potatoes: Mashed is my thing but I don't care how you like your potatoes. Potatoes are awesome and a Thanksgiving staple.

2. Pumpkin Pie: Delicious. Not my favorite type of pie, and pie is not my favorite type of dessert. But I'll be damned if I don't make an entire pumpkin pie and a half gallon disappear on Thursday.

1. Stuffing: Stuffing is the best part of Thanksgiving. So damn good. I have no clue what the hell it is but I    want more. And left over stuffing... My god.... So ladies, if any of you are in need of a good stuffing... I'm your man.

P.S. - Snack time for the big guy...

Guinness Believer at Ned Devine's

True to my word, this past Tuesday I wandered over to Faneuil and took part in the Guinness Believer event. Since then people have been asking about it, so here's what went down. 

I got to Ned Devine's a little early, about 5:30, to beat the crowd for the 6:00 event only to find things pretty quiet.  After showing my reservation confirmation at the door I waited in a sidebar area until beer crew was ready for us.  Don't worry if you haven't printed out a confirmation code or if you want to bring some friends at the last minute. There are registration stations at Ned's for those living on the fly and plenty of space at the bar, so grab that weird co-worker or classmate and loosen them up a bit over a pint. 

They let us in around six and started setting out hor d'oeuvres. Bingo...Jackpot...Game ON.  Mini-pizza slices, housemade potato chips and buff or BBQ chicken wraps? Fug-ghed-aboutit. They brought out tray after tray of gnosh so if you don't mind catching a few eyes while feeding your face, then go nuts. Eat like you paid for it.

Half stuffed and carrying a full plate of snacks I then made my way to get a beer. If your going to wait in line at this thing definitely wait in the "Learn to Pour your own Guinness," queue.  Not to say that I have the golden touch and nailed the perfect draft but I'll let the Guinness pour technique rattle around my brain for a while. Eating free food, drinking free stout that I poured off the tap for myself, not a bad Tuesday night at all.  

The rest of the event consisted of a presentation on the origins of Guinness and then a guided taste test of Guinness Foreign Stout and the new Black Lager.  I ended up walking away from the night with a belly full of food, some delicious beer, a Black lager tasting glass and the know how on the best way to pour Ireland's signature brew. All this for the low, low price of zero. 

There are still slots open for registration at 6:00, 7:30, and 9:30 tonight if you need a place to go after work or somewhere to start pregaming for free before it gets really thirsty  Thursday.  Guinness Believer:  Strike tested, Strike approved.