Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Let's Talk About Turkey...

I just had my eighth turkey sandwich in the past five days and I can't get over how good leftover turkey is during the week after Thanksgiving. Until this weekend I am the Bubba Blue of turkey. Turkey is happiness incarnate. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's turkey kabobs, turkey creole, turkey gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple turkey, lemon turkey, coconut turkey...

Alright, you get the idea. If you don't agree why don't you go do yourself a quick lap and then NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN because you're lying to yourself and to me. Thank God when the Pilgrims and Native Americans decided to get together for dinner almost 400 years ago someone was smart enough to say "Hey, that thing's neck looks like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly... lets eat it to celebrate out friendship!"

The ultimate irony of turkey is that as much as I love it during the course of this week, I want no part of it at any other time. Turkey is the black sheep of the poultry family. Chicken went out and got a Ph. D. in deliciousness. Duck had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but has turned out fairly well and is steadily employed. TURKEY HAS DONE NOTHING! Turkey spends the year in his parents basement watching reruns of American Gladiators and flipping through two year old "TV Guide" magazines.

Once a year, turkey just shows up at Thanksgiving and hopes for the best. It's downright embarrassing that people had to put a chicken and a duck inside of a turkey to actually make it good. It's dry, bland, has no taste, and puts you to sleep within half an hour, just like a made-for-TV ABC Family movie.

Essentially I've got three days left before I hate turkey again. For the next 72 hours, my life is going to be a blur of grease, cranberry sauce and shame. By Saturday, I'll just dabble in turkey. By Monday, turkey will be like that friend who comes "for the weekend" and ends up staying for 5 days. Dude, I like you, but I need my space.

Finally Wednesday will come around and I'm going to treat my turkey like Walter White's pizza.

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