Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Black Wednesday Survival Guide

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and you know that that means,
time to get drunk with people you haven't seen since your teens...

Happy Day Before Thanksgiving! Or, as it's now more commonly called, “Dammit, I have to awkwardly drink with people I haven't seen in five years” Day. Actually the technical term for tonight is “Black Wednesday” and it has become one of the nation's biggest partying nights.

Black Wednesday isn't all fun and drunken games. It comes with it's fair share of problems, namely: “how the hell do I associate with all of these people?”

First off, don't worry. Odds are you're going to have the same conversation with about fifteen different people until you get drunk enough to no longer care.

It may be worth while to prepare yourself in case of emergency. In order to do that you need to know what to expect. We here at Three if by Strike take your sanity very seriously and consequently have taken the initiative to create a list of the five people you're going to meet tonight and how to deal with them.

                                                                     1. The Townie

The townie's natural habitat extends just as far as the boundaries of the town you grew up in. A “trip” for the townie is going to the next town over to watch a high school football game, all the while aggressively shouting about how they could have thrown five touchdowns by now. Think Uncle Rico, but in real life. You don't really care, but you gotta admit, they're kind of a big deal around town. This person is fairly easy to deal with. Just talk about their glory days, they'll do the rest. “No dude, I don't remember that time that you scored 15 points in a high school basketball game in the state of Maine. That sounds very challenging, please tell me more about your athletic prowess.”

                                                           2. The Pseudo-intellectual

So they went to college and read a book by Freud, Foucault, Marx or some combination of the three... that's it. Point is that they now think they're smarter than everyone else in the room and waste no time making you aware of that. They'll probably drop the words “proletariat” or “discourse” within the first two minutes of the conversation as they casually tuck their alpaca hair scarf over their shoulder. They may be annoying but hey, they paid attention in class and their GPA probably shows it. The key to dealing with this person is just keeping your mouth shut. They'll rattle off everything they think they know in a few minutes and like an crying baby they'll tucker themselves out. Be wary, they may try to regain their strength with a steady diet of craft bears and house wine.

                                                      3. The Social Justice Advocate
                          Picture has nothing to do with that I'm talking about but this little guy is adorable

This person has always been conscientious but in college they got dreadlocks and one time they smoked a joint with a guy who had a Bob Marley poster on his wall. Now their wardrobe is comprised solely of Che Guevara memorabilia (although they are waiting on an Edward Snowden shirt they just ordered.) If you have a beer in your hand they'll tell you that it's manufactured by child labor. When you tell them it's made in Vermont they will tell you it's made by child labor in Vermont. (Sorry, but no matter what you do you're an enabling capitalistic asshole). There are two ways you can deal with this person. Your best bet is to pair them up with the Pseudo-intellectual as they will talk about nothing of substance for the next three hours. If this isn't possible just enjoy the ride. “Oh no way! You work at a non-profit, organic, sloth farm that promotes sustainability in rural Wyoming, you're making a difference in the world!”

                                                         4. The Gordon Gecko wannabe

They've moved into the financial district of some major city and are now a junior member at some firm, insurance company or bank. This person is easily visually recognized by the suit they wore to that dive bar you're at or the fact that they easily have more grease in their hair than... well than John Travolta in Grease. Besides looking like Chrispin Glover in Charlie's Angels, their hobbies include reading the “Wall Street Journal” business section, writing cover letters and resumes or wearing suits to cheap bars in an attempt to pick up women (Hey, they're wearing a suit now!) The best way to deal with this person is first to accept that they are likely going to be making more money than you. If they take a five minute break from pursuing that girl who was way out of their league in high school to talk to you just ask them for their business card. Good work, you've now both complemented them and shut them up in one fell swoop! Also, if they make it big you can now call them and beg for money.

                                                                 5. Animal House

This person is still stuck reliving the glory days in college. They probably flew under the radar in high school and are now back with a vengeance after waking up in a pile of their own vomit a few times during the past five years. This person can be seen wearing an undersized fraternity or sorority t-shirt and, as mentioned before, probably throwing up somewhere. They'll be fun until they've had their fifth Bud Light in the past twenty minutes and try to take their shirt off. We're at a small local bar, not an Avicii concert, keep it together.

They're going to try to relive their glory days to you plain and simple. One night they had twelve beers and washed it all down with a whole handle of whipped cream Smirnoff and somehow lived to share their tale. “No way man, no one else partied in college at all. I'd love to hear more made up stories about how cool you are!”

Now that you're prepared for tonight get out there and have fun. And remember: enjoy it, you only see these people once a year so if you make a fool of yourself who cares. Get into the spirit of Black Wednesday and recuperate tomorrow with ample helpings of turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing. If you need some advice be sure to check out Span's post on the Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods!

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